I’ve heard it said many times: “be careful what you pray for…you may be surprised how it’s answered.” Pray for patience and God will give you opportunities where patience is required. Pray for more faith and God may give you opportunities where your faith is tested. I’m not sure that phrase is biblical, but it does seem to be ringing true during this time in my life.

I’m a control-freak, and though many times I’ve said “Lord, you can have all of me”, I find myself compartmentalizing my life and saying, “You can have this part. I’m doing fine here.” I’ve held on to things with shaking, white knuckles and God, who has been so patient, is now gently (or not so gently) prying them from my fingers.

For one, my life timeline…all the things I thought I’d accomplish and all the things I thought would wait, God has turned upside down. I went from telling my girls’ small group, “I want to wait until I’m thirty to have kids” to two weeks later–”I’m pregnant.” And this living being is dependent on me and my body and my time to help it thrive and grow. And it’s already changing my time, my ministry, and my priorities. I’ve not been grateful about this. I’ve looked at this blessing that God is giving my husband and I…and I’ve been resentful because it’s changed everything. And then I’ve been wracked with guilt as I watch friends who want so desperately to have what we have.

It threatens to change my ministry and my priorities. The very ministry God Himself gave me, and I’m trying to hold onto it for myself. It reveals to me some of my true motives–like maybe I’ve not been in youth ministry for the kids as I’d convinced myself I was. Maybe I desire to be the one kids think is “cool”. Maybe I look to be the one kids can call at 2 a.m. to validate myself. While I have to believe that being a parent will make me even better at youth ministry–I wonder and fear how to balance parenthood with the time I’ve put into youth ministry. Perhaps I should not look at the two things as competing, but complimenting…but I’m not sure how that will work out yet.

This child will require all of me. This child, this gift from God, deserves all of me. And I’m learning that I still try to do everything in MY power (not God’s), which is why the thought of “adding” more is frightening. May God expand my heart, diminish my control, and increase my reliance on Him.

*This was a draft I’d written in May. I post what I started only to give an idea of where I’ve been.*