I read my previous post and I look at my little girl. For a moment I am ashamed of the feelings I had when I was pregnant with her. I am ashamed of my lack of trust in God, His plans, His timing. But only for a moment…because I can barely remember those past feelings as my heart is overwhelmed with a love I never knew was possible.

I was told about this love, about how everything changes when a child is born and you see them for the first time, but I didn’t believe it was possible for my numb heart. But she was placed in my arms and I looked at her and was in awe and wonder of the miracle, and the love was instant.

I stare at her for hours, but it seems like only minutes–watching her chest moves as she breathes so rapidly, watching the muscles in her face twitch as she sleeps, staring into eyes that can’t quite focus but still look to me as her mother, as one who at this time provides for every need.

And the fears I had went away. I understand 1 John 4:18 a little better when it says “perfect love casts out all fear.” My love for her is far from perfect (and I’m sure this will become more evident as she grows), but now I see a clear picture of God’s perfect love for us, his children. His perfect love for me, and in me, casts out fear. Abiding in that love, understanding it more as a parent who loves a child, removes that fear.

My heart has been made big enough for her now, when I feared it couldn’t hold any more. And I now see parenthood as a new ministry and joy God has given me–one of the most important ministries I will ever have.

I feared how this would change youth ministry, but my passion for it has been reignited in a completely new way. Now clearly seeing myself as a child of God and having a new understanding of what that truly means, helps me to see all my teens, as Ephesians 5:1-2 says, as “dearly loved children”. And I want them to see that, to know that. My heart breaks in a new way when I see them–as I know many don’t feel or receive that love from earthly parents. I want desperately that they would feel it and know it from their Heavenly Father and from me. I look at my little girl and have hopes and dreams for what she could become, and I look at myself and my husband and see the amazing responsibility we have to her: that she would know she is loved by God and by us, that she would be confident in it, and that she would live that love out for the rest of her life. I hope and dream those things for my students as well.

Now my little girl sleeps. I look at her as I think she’s dreaming and wonder if she, at this moment, has a better understanding of God than I ever will. But I look at her and understand Him more and more, and I too, am finally resting in Him.